ANTM Cycle 18 Episode 1

“The Brits Versus The Yanks”

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyrant gave us the absolute debacle that was All Stars. What a train wreck. Allison lost twice… first to Trangelea and then to Pissa in a stunning reshoot of the finale. What a mess. Not even a hot mess. Just a mess. If she even mentions Tookie or Modelland in Cycle 18, I’ll lose it. So what does Miss Ego have in store for her loyal viewers (everyone else stopped watching when Whitney won) this Cycle? An old fashioned patriotic slug fest! It’s a British invasion. Seven former wannabes from BNTM will take on seven newbies from the good ol’ USA. I’ve never seen a single episode of the British version, so all of these girls get a fresh start with me. Also new this Cycle is Kelly Cutrone on the panel. Hopefully she’s got a spine and can stand up to Tyrant’s clumsy manipulations. Who will be the first to cry? Who will be the first to throw a fit? Who will have the best fake scream when Tyrant first walks in the room? Who will be eliminated tonight?

Welcome back peeps and welcome back to the delightfully off-topic second paragraph. To celebrate the start of a new Cycle, I’m only straying slightly off topic. I gotta give a shout out to fellow Homorazzi writer Donovan who did some amazing posts in between Cycles catching us up with former ANTM wannabes. Despite all our scathing hate for Tyrant, we still love the show, and every once and a while it actually leads to awesome careers for some of the girls… as long as they don’t win. Check out his Where Are They Know articles here to catch up with Lauren Brie, Katarzyna, Leslie, Fatima, Jane, Analeigh, and Raina. Snaps for Donovan!

On Team Brit, we’ve got Louise, Jasmia, Annaliese, Catherine, Sophie, Ashley, and Alisha. With Team Yank, we’ve got Laura, AzMarie, Ebony, Kyle, Candace, Mariah, and Seymone.

We start off with the wannabes all walking one by one through Universal Studios until a group of drummers march Nigel and Miss J out into the crowd. We get a brief glimpse into some of the girls. Mariah is the show’s first Native American wannabe. She’s gorge. Analiese is a well-spoken Londoner with some TV hosting background. Tyrant is NOT going to like the competition. Nigel looks as dapper as ever while Miss J of course looks appropriately ridiculous in a kilt and bandana ensemble. They welcome the girls as the final 14 and let them know about the international twist. Team Brit all cheered. The Yanks all stood there in stunned pouty silence. Uh oh. Living up to stereotypes already? Not good.

To kick the competition off, there’s a parade through Universal Studios which will be followed by a pose off showdown. These bitches gonna get all up in each other’s grills yo! Too Yank? How about… these birds ‘bout to bagga like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle huh! Before we get to all that though, there might be a little love connection on Yankee Doodle Do Me. Laura is Bisexual and LOVES the orgasms she gets from women and she thinks Lesbian AzMarie is drop dead sexy. Her opening come-on… “When I get drunk I take off all my clothes”. Don’t we all girl. Don’t we all. Classy Yanks. Then we get Team Brit’s Ashley popping into the mix. She’s Scottish and no one can understand what the hell she’s saying. Props to the editors for subtitling her “I’m so getting subtitled” line. I LOL’d.

BTW, the parade made me wanna barf. Overhyped patriotic forced fed fierceness. I’m guessing this pose off is gonna be the same.

Yep. It starts with the boxer announcer dude too. The girls all throw down a little stereotypical smack talk too before each walk off. First up were Analiese (UK)vs Laura (US). UK takes that one hands down. Laura looked like she was eating frogs and shitting out logs. Round 2 was Catharine (UK) vs Mariah (US). From what I could see, Mariah had the edge. Round 3 went to AzMarie (US) over Jasmia (UK). AzMarie can WALK. Round 4 was Ashley (UK) VS Candace (US). Ashley gets the win just for saying “betches” all cute and Scottish-like. Round 5 was a battle of ‘tude between the UK’s Alisha and The US’ Eboni. Alisha totes had more swagger. Or is it swahgah? Round 6 went to Katy Perry lookalike Kyle (US) over Sophie (UK). The last face off was between Louise (UK) and Seymone (US). They saved the plus-sized girls for last. Louise won that one HANDS DOWN. Overall, I give it to the Brits.

Back at the house, there’s lots of screaming as they obsess over the vomit of red, white and blue. They are separated by country and then the nonsense starts. Laura and AzMarie get naked and hit the pool. The British girls are horrified. Alisha laughs at the Yanks who are here to be horny as hell sexbombs while the Brits are there to model.

The next morning, Tyrant Mail arrives sending the girls to Siren Studios to meet Mr. Jay for their first shoot. The girls will be put into pairs (one from the US and one from the UK) and pose as iconic figures from each country. In an ANTM first, the shoot will be in 3D. Crazy.

Catherine (Queen Elizabeth 1) vs AzMarie (George Washington)

Catherine definitely had the better costume. AzMarie’s gold mini and powder wig were a hot mess. As for the photo, the judges liked the two together because they actually pulled off a narrative. Catherine definitely did better than AzMarie who is a little too stiff.

Candace (Janet Jackson) vs Analiese (Scary Spice Mel B)

(*Picture not available) Candace definitely scored with the better 90s inspired music video look. Sleek and tight. Analiese’s stress wasn’t tight enough for the real thing. The judges were all over the map on this. Nigel thought Analiese looked too angry (helloooo… Scary Spice) while Tyrant thought Candace didn’t look angry enough. WTF. Kelly Osbourne liked that they were dancing.

Laura (Madonna) vs Alisha (Elton John)

I love this match up, but let’s be honest… Madge totally thinks she’s British now. Laura by far gets the better outfit too. They could’ve done SO MUCH more with Elton John. And it shows in the picture. Alisha’s is a total fail. Nigel said it has nothing to do with him and Kelly Osbourne said she looks like a pissed off Aladdin. On the other hand, Laura nailed a great homage to Madge.

Sophie (Margaret Thatcher) vs Seymone (Michelle Obama)

I love this head to head too… but Sophie did not have it easy with that “dodgy” wig. Seymone really struggled too. This actually turned out to be my favourite photo. The judges too. Even though Seymone is pulling out dance class 101, she made it work. Sophie on the other hand is a kickass fierce Iron Lady. Tyrant loved Sophie too.

Kyle (Andy Warhol) vs Louise (Amy Winehouse)

This is a bizarre matchup. WTF. Why not put Warhol up against Lennon or something? Kyle definitely did better than Louise in the final pic. Her Warhol is interesting, while Louise’s Winehouse just looks stumpy.

Mariah (Pocahontas) vs Jasmia (John Lennon)

Just after I mention Lennon, here’s the wackiest pairing of the day. Another WTF. And, am I the only one that found it a little rich that they gave Pocahontas to Mariah? Kelly Cutrone was NOT loving the final image at all. She didn’t like the hair, she didn’t like the narrative, she wouldn’t know what to do with it as a publicist. Tyrant thought Jasmia was too Lenny Kravitz, not enough Lennon. Nigel didn’t think Mariah committed.

Eboni (Jackie Kennedy) vs Ashley (Princess Di)

This should’ve been the BEST pairing, but the stylists totally dropped the bomb on the looks. Cheap Halloween costumes. Neither girl delivered a great photo. Kelly Cutrone criticized Eboni for coming off as BCBG as opposed to aristocracy. Ashley was criticized for striking a masculine pose. I actually think Ashley did better at hitting Diana than Eboni did as Jackie O.

At panel, Tyrant finally showed her face. Too bad she made all the girls show up in heinous patriotic lipstick. She also went out of her way to ensure the girls that there no patriotic favoritism. YEAH right. Joining Tyrant, Nigel and Kelly Cutrone is guest judge Kelly Osbourne. Overall, it was not the strongest debut photoshoot… a lot of girls missed the mark and the styling was all over the place. But there was a clear winner… Seymone. WHAT? Bullshit. It should’ve been Sophie. She didn’t even get runner up. She lost that to Kyle. Behind Sophie were Laura, Catherine, Candace, Mariah, AzMarie, and Eboni.

All the American girls are now safe. Louise is safe. So are Alisha and Analiese. That leaves Jasmia and Ashley in the bottom two. Jasmia is leaving. Phew. I like Ashley, but Jasmia was totally screwed with heinous styling. Oh well. These Brits better step up!